A bit of a yarn from Embrudge (aka an everyday story of Kiwi folk)

 

Ennie and Elison have been getting acquainted with the taxi drivers and vintners of Marlborough. The Grundys, Iddie, Idward and George (sadly currently whingeing copiously at a correctional institution on the Edwin Fox – the last ship to transport criminals from Britain to Australia and on to New Zealand) are the proprietors of the Embrudge Dothepoms Carting Agency. Iddie in particular loves to yarn on while driving Poms between the various vineyards that make up Marlborough County. His favourite subject – apart from himself – is how his Dad, old Joe, was the last Kiwi to ride bare back on a giant Moa while simultaneously knocking back a flagon of Speight’s 11% brew. Ennie and Elison have smiled and nodded indulgently in what they suppose are all the right places, while hoping that they are giving insufficient encouragement to his verbosity. They just want to get to the wine tour…

 

The Lancers have been growing vines since those faithless Poms voted to join the Common Market in 1973 causing the local economy based on dairy and lamb to collapse. The Patriarch, Tony, aided by his good lady Pet, is now the baron of the vineyards, making Savvy (Sauvignon Blanc) a but of Chardonnay, a whusker of Pinot Gris and a smudgeon of Pinot Noir. Their daughter, Pup, is in charge of the wine tours for Poms and is on duty, in person, to give Ennie and Elison the 36x30ml samples of the vineyard’s vuntages. The women begin with a few thirsty gulps. Pup remonstrates! “No! Swush it, snort it, swull it, tup it on yer tongue, roll it round, feel the acidity in yer cheeks, the tannin in the beck of yer mouth, put yer hid between yer legs to gather sput to assess the tannin contint, then SPUT in the bucket!” the more the sput, the more the tannin apparently. Ennie and Elison are too well brought up to sput, so surreptitiously they swallow. Sample follows sample. At sample twenty Ennie is rendered incoherent but still up for it, Elison is slightly more together but by sample 24 she too is showing signs of disobedient legs, though her hand to lip action is uncompromised. At sample 30, chucked out of the vineyard, Iddie refuses to have them in his cab. Aargh, the long crawl home.

 

Annie Clouston